This morning, my daughter, Langgam, went back home before she even reached school because she said she was too sick to attend school. I cancelled my vocal class with Charles Nasution, my vocal trainer. I went to office to have a meeting and then back to my place to get Langgam to see her doctor. After bringing her home, I was already picked up by Rini, my associate producer. We went to a meeting at a TV station. We went back to office, I picked up my stuff and went back to my place to get my son, Galih. We had appointment with a doctor at nearby hospital. I think he’s been having this allergy that made his skin on both of palms itchy, dried, flaky and peeled off. We went to the skin specialist and yes she said Galih has allergy and he’s having contact dermatitis or some kind of skin inflammation.
To be honest, it was mentally exhausting today. There are lots of things going on my mind and whenever I got too tired with things during today, I thought of Jesus. I told Him “help me get through the day”. Somehow, all day long I was reminded of a scene that happened last week after a session of a catholic retreat for executives and professionals which I was involved in the committee. A really good friend of mine told me something after listening to my story on my faith journey with Christ which I shared during a session. She said “Praise the Lord. It took a lot of courage to be you with all your problems as single mom, your struggle in life until Jesus found you.”. I then responded,”It was and has always been because of Jesus. He is the one that makes me strong and able to go through it all,” She then continued,”I know it’s hard to go through what you’ve been through. But nobody will ever understand the agony you’ve been through because it is only you alone who exactly knows how it feels, how the agony feels every day, every hour, every minute and every second. The problems, the difficulties, the confusion, the wounds, the hurts, the pains that you experience in your life, you have to face it by yourself as single mother. You are so blessed, knowing that Jesus has touched and healed you”
And there it was. It finally hit me, or you could say that her statement was like knocking me down. Why haven’t I thought of it before. What she was saying was true. It was and has always been me who knew exactly how it felt to experience the agony in my life every day, every hour, every minute and every second. And this is the same thing with others too. You could have your own agony and each of us has our own agony that can only be understood by our own self. But what seems to be agony to others, might not be a difficult or torturing burden for those who personally experience it, only if they live in Christ! Yes, people might think I must be crazy having this kind of misery in my life as a single mother but the truth is, my life is so much more beautiful beyond words now that I have been living in Christ, now that I have been renewed in the Holy Spirit. Yes, I have more problems that challenge me but I am no longer afraid, sad or stressed or weak for Jesus is my strength and The Holy Spirit is my joy, my comforter and my best friend and my counselor. I have come to conclusion that every day is a blessing because I find delight and joy in small things. I am happy and overjoyed whenever I go to the mass, sitting just with my aunt and seeing my wonderful children at the altar serving and helping the priest during mass as altar children. I am happy and grateful everytime i finish writing on my blog. I am thankful for my financial problem and my monthly bill because they teach me how to use money wisely and stop envying others who make more money than I am making now.
I find my joy in my service and work in my catholic communities. I find joy when I can pray for others, when I can make them smile. I am thankful I am a single mother who has to financially support my two kids because that responsibility has taught me not to rely on my strength but only on Jesus alone. The fact that I am raising a child with Asperger’s Syndrome has made me realized how blessed I am because I will be given the chance by God to give my best for my child to grow despite his Asperger’s Syndrome.
I have learned that everyday is a miracle and every problem is indeed a blessing only if you live in Jesus Christ. And all the agony and misery in my life are blessings because they teach me how to enjoy every moment and second of my life. Because I know Jesus is always with me, He never leaves me alone. There is none of those difficult time of mine occuring in my life that has no meaning at all. I am allowed to experience the agony and misery because I am made to perfection by God. Everytime I cry because of the agony and misery, Jesus promise me to exchange my tears with abundant joy. And everytime I imagine joy in my future life, Jesus promise me that the joy I’m about to experience is beyond my imagination, surpassing my present joy. It’ll be in His time, not mine.
So as I experienced every private moment of mine today -having two children who both got sick, my unfinished travel arrangement, piles of work to be considered at office, some ideas needed to be executed for upcoming events for the community I am involved in- of course, I couldn’t avoid feeling so tired and mentally exhausted and discover the disappointment or anger within me. But I am also reminded to enjoy every hour, every minute and every second of my life for I am given a gift of 86,400 seconds by God everyday. Why on earth should I make complaints and shouldn’t I be more grateful instead?
So enjoy your life, your agony and misery because after all Jesus is there with and for you. Find rest in Him……
We know that all things work for good for those who love God,* who are called according to his purpose. For those he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, so that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.
And those he predestined he also called; and those he called he also justified; and those he justified he also glorified.
I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me.
but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses,* in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.