You know how people say the closer you are with God, the more challenges you are facing. You will have higher level of conflicts or dilemmas to enable you to deepen your level of faith. There will be a point where you doubt yourself and this is equal to doubt the power of His love, His amazing plan. There will be a point where you are in the stage of spiritual darkness. Not just spiritual dryness, but darkness. A point when you take control of everything and forget that Jesus is the one who should lead, not you. A point when you are to lazy to surrender and a point when the joy is stolen somehow.
This holy week was unbelievable. Just in the midst of my little faith, my fear, my worry, Jesus has somehow His own way to wake me up. To show His resurrection in me. He simply wanted to show me that He has always been there for me. He has never lost sight of me. He has always watched over me. He is alive and living! i have been experiencing, encountering Him in a very special way 5 consecutive days starting from Wednesday before the Maundy Thursday and I am still counting.
Day one. Wednesday 16 April 2014
It was the day I had to sing solo during the Stations of the cross event with my parish prayer group. I was also the narrator for the event. I had been so worried because I was really sick during the weekend. I somehow lost my voice due to sore throat. I was coughing. Decided to go to my doctor and had a rest on Monday. Amazingly, on Wednesday, my voice was getting better and I could sing! That evening was my very first time to sing solo. The song was “Jesus, It is You.” I had prayed and I was moved to ask my friend to play the guitar. As I sang, every word of the song became so alive! It was like I was reminded by the lyric that it has always been Jesus who loves me all the way!
Who brings me food for my table,
Who cares for all of my needs,
Who walks the road with me,
Has grown with me,
Through all that I have been,
Jesus it is You.
Jesus it is You.
And carries me when I am frail and weak,
Jesus it is You,
Who tells the storm to rest,
When I am overwhelmed and cannot speak,
Jesus it is You.
Who wears my guilt on His shoulders,
Who holds my heart in His hands,
Who takes my thoughts and fears,
And hangs them on the arms of Calvary,
Jesus it is You.
Jesus it is You.
Day 3, Good Friday 18 April 2014
The Good Friday service in my parish started at 2pm. My two children served as altar boys and altar girls during the service. I attended the service with my parents and aunty. It was hot afternoon around 12 pm when we arrived at the church. However, as we attended the service, around 2.45pm we could hear the thunder and the sky suddenly went so dark! It was inevitably going to rain! Really? Seriously? At this very hour? Coincidently with the reading of the gospel about the passion of the Lord? Just as we heard the story when Jesus was nailed to the cross? right at the last moment of His life ? And yes when the reading approached the point when Jesus finally died, it rained really hard!
I couldn’t help myself feeling so overwhelmed. What a beautiful moment of the our Lord’s passion! It was my very first time to experience such “realistic” moment! The gospel reading, 2pm-3pm, the last hour of Jesus’ life and it was raining hard! the sky went gloomy, and the thunder was raging!
It was almost midday. The sun was hidden, and darkness came over the whole land until mid-afternoon;
and, at that time, the curtain of the Sanctuary was torn in two.
Then Jesus gave a loud cry,”Father , into your hands I commend my spirit.” And saying that, he gave up his spirit
All I could hear myself saying this to Jesus,”You are here. You want to show me You are here. Thank you for being here. I put my trust in You. Thank you for showing up to this poor soul with little faith in her!”
Day 4. Holy Saturday, 19 April 2014
I went to 4.30pm Easter Vigil Mass with my daughter and my aunt. It was so hot and bright during the day. And as we prepared to leave for the church around 2.30pm, it was suddenly raining really hard. Yes, another rain in the afternoon. We left the house around 3pm and it was raining heavily. I dropped off my daughter at the drop-off point where they could get into the church comfortably without having to bother of getting wet due to the rain. Meanwhile I still had to park my car and waited for a couple of minutes before i could get out of the car and walk to the church. Apparently, the church was already full with people and we managed to sit outside under the tent. As I sat there waiting for the Mass to begin, the raining had stopped and I realised one thing! Yes the rain had stopped and it felt so cool there sitting outside the main building of our church. I had attended several Mass during Christmas and Holy week and the church had always been full with people and sometimes we had to sit outside under the tent, and when the weather is hot, you would know how it feels to sit there during the mass. But this afternoon, the rain had amazingly cooled the whole tent area where we sat. It was cool, that you could think that the area was air-conditioned!
Again, I heard myself saying,”thank you for the rain, Jesus. Some people might not like the rain. I was a bit annoyed with the rain because i couldn’t figure out how to get out the car with the rain still falling. But now it turned out You allowed the rain to fall to give us cool temperature outside the church especially for us sitting outside.”
That day, Jesus showed me that He is all-powerful, Jesus showed me that He has always been there, I should never doubts Him. He increases my faith. He is here with me.
Day 5, Easter Sunday 20 April 2014
I always thought that if you have attended the Easter Vigil Mass on Saturday evening then you no longer had the obligation to attend the Easter Sunday Mass. But I have learned that these two Masses are different and you should attend both of them. Our parish priest teaches us that the 3 holy days during Holy Week starts on Good Friday, continue on Holy Saturday and finally arrives on Easter Sunday. So he encourages us to attend the Mass on each day. My daughter told me earlier this week that she had to attend the Sunday Mass because she was assigned to serve as the altar girls. So I went to the Mass. And my oldest son managed to join us and he also served as the altar boys together with his sister.
All i could hear was that i said this to Jesus,”Thank you Jesus. I felt so blessed to be invited by You to this Holy Mass. And to see my two children serving You in this thanksgiving celebration officiated by YOU, invited by YOU.” Jesus invited my by assigning my daughter to serve Him during the mass. I always love His subtle way of touching my heart. In silence, in quietness.
Today, Jesus showed me that He is all-powerful, Jesus showed me that He has always been there, I should never doubts Him. He increases my faith. He is here with me.
He always amazes me. He know what my heart desires. He know I have been lost somehow and He just know the way to capture me. He knows how to make me see and believe……